To: Bulldog Products
Dear Founder and Hero,
My name is Robert and I am a part-time alcoholic. Being both a part-time alcoholic and an individual who is fast approaching the dreaded 30, I have noticed that all sorts of weird and wonderful things happening to my body of late; namely around the face. I don’t look like me anymore; My skin has decided to abandon ship in clumps of flaky dead stuff and the once pronounced angles and lines of my youth are beginning to slide down my skull like a Dali painting. In fairness I still look a bit like I used to, but slightly melted. The sort of melted you get when you accidentally put the wrong type of plastic in the microwave, and manage to rescue is just in time before things start to explode. You may have avoided electrical disaster, but you have a serious melt situation on your hands: in this instance, the situation is on my face.
Now being a boy I have often felt awkward and embarrassed when looking for things to rub onto myself to try to rectify or at the very least slow down this horrifying process. I have enough understanding of lotions and potions to know that if your skin is dry enough that a mild breeze can cause a major snowstorm behind you, then you should probably moisturise. Also if your face starts to look like a marshmallow held over a barbeque in those delicate few moments before everything spills over, then you should probably put something on to firm that stuff up.
Whilst perusing the lotions and potions section in my local supermarket, weaving in and out of buggy traps, angry mums and seemingly ownerless toddlers, whilst also pretending not to really be looking, but actually trying to really look (a difficult situation as I am sure you are aware) I gave up and went to the male section…. Bingo! Why had I not given this section any real consideration lately? I didn’t realise that anyone had taken this sort of stuff seriously. I always thought male grooming consisted entirely of ‘MOAR BLADES’ razors, deodorant advertised dangerously close to nasal rohypnol and lose the grey hair granddad dye. There were loads of your products there that I could rub all over myself in order to prevent my natural decay. There was anti- ageing cream, stuff to put around my eyes to stop this eternal puffy hangover vibe I’m putting out and moisturiser to stop my face turning into a skin blizzard. I bought it all!
Although my girlfriend hasn’t said anything directly to me yet, she has stopped cowering away from me when the lights are on and every now and then she actually touches my face. This progress is all thanks to your products and their firm and unapologetic place in the male grooming section. Well done and good thinking!
I want to show my appreciation in a way more useful to you that simply buying your products; this just doesn’t seem quite enough. I spent a few minutes working on a formula for a new cream that you put on your ears to help block out the incessant noise of your colleagues ,but quickly realised that I don’t know anything about either chemistry or biology and quickly abandoned the attempt. This leaves me only one way in which I can become part of your life and show my gratitude; please let me sell you something. I would look after you, I would care for you, I would love you like a mother loves its child.
It could be anything you like, but as I work for an IT company it would be extremely helpful if it were to be something IT related. My company does telecoms, mobile, print and data services. We could have a meeting and I would be able to look you in the eye, knowing with complete certainty that at no stage during the proceedings would any section of my face fall off. It is firmly held there by a perfect mix of blind optimism and Bulldog products.
I won’t forget this.
Robert
The Derp of a Salesman 