Dear I want One Of Those dot com,
Last night I had a dream; a dream of epic proportions of potential life changing significance. In this dream my subconscious invented something that the world has never seen before, but like the iPhone, the computer tablet and the butt plug have done before it, once it is released into the market everyone will want one.
You know when you’re watering the garden and you can adjust the nozzle on the end of the hose to transform an otherwise mundane stream of water into something more useful or interesting? For example you can increase the water pressure allowing you to reach those distant daffodils dying for drink or split the stream in twain allowing you to water multiple plant based life forms. You can even convert the single stream into a fine spray creating a rainbow in the sky around you, transforming a typically everyday task into the sort of childlike daydream that adults were stripped of during the tremulous years of puberty.
Well I want to make one of those, but for your penis. I have named this revolutionary device:
The Pinkler
Imagine all the things you could do with it? You could piss into the trees without having to leave the doorway of your tent, with the pressure increase function. You could produce a double urine stream, adding and endless range of possibilities to your fetish night. Perhaps there could even be a switch that adds a dye to your typically yellow stream of relief, adding a whole new range of fun to what has up until now only been considered a simple necessary bodily function (I see endless possibilities for the modern art world with this one). You could even turn on the fine spray option, magically turning your jet stream into a liquid waste rainbow. Glastonbury festival would never be the same again (Sunny day required of course).
Envision all the possible tag lines and slogans such a contraption could have? It would be such an easy thing to sell: Piss the Rainbow – P P P Pick up a Pinkler – Urine for a treat – As time pisses by – Wee Pun of Mass Destruction – Urine Danger – Buy yourself a wee treat (Scottish accent) – It hurts when IP.
This could make us millionaires! Well perhaps you are millionaires already, but it could definitely make you a little bit richer. What do you say?
Now I realise that by this stage you are probably wondering why someone like myself would want to share this idea with you; what am I doing and how much do I want? Well let me tell you: I am willing to give you this idea to use as you will and all I want in exchange is for you to buy something from me. Last night I had water and wishful thinking for dinner, so I would quite like to improve my life by introducing some solid food into my diet. Unfortunately this sort of change requires money. I currently work for a company that deals with various aspects of IT stuff such as your telecoms or print. Fancy a lovely chat about it? Perhaps we can kill two birds with one stone and also discuss the schematics and production timeline of adding the Pinkler to your range of products.
Also as a side note, I am not too sure on your recent rebranding as IWOOT. To me it brings to mind a narcissistic owl, or a Liverpudlian grandma trying to put her teeth back in. Can you change it back to I want one of those? Thanks in advance.
I look forward to your response. I’m off to go and clean the bathroom walls.
Kind Regards,
Robert
The Derp of a Salesman 