Bog Off

Dear Mattel,

If I cast my mind back to my youth there are many things that spring to the forefront as landmarks in my recollection; memories, events and objects that are inseparable from the feeling of youth, freedom and seeing the world through the unadulterated eyes of an optimistic and innocent child.

The first memory that appears, like an eager kitten bounding into a fluffy tunnel is that of curiosity and pain. I had just recently watched an episode of Tom & Jerry, where Jerry lays an ingenious trap of endless garden rakes on the floor. Thomas (that’s the cat by the way), spends about 2 minutes of on screen time walking endlessly into multiple garden rakes which each flip up and hit him square in the face. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed; watched it again and laughed some more.

I then went outside to give it a try myself. I walked boldly up to the garden rake, which was annoyingly stored away in the shed. After dragging it out onto the lawn and laying it down on the ground I then retraced by steps and pretended to absent mindedly walk towards the cartoon trap with much excitement and perhaps a bit too much speed. What my under-developed mind hadn’t managed to take into consideration was a few fundamental laws of physics; the most important of which being the relationship between surface area and pressure. Unfortunately for me, the extensions of metal on the rake were hard, thin and pointed, whereas my 6 year old foot was fleshy, flat and soft. As two of the rake blades perforated through the bottom of my foot, I thought something along the lines of. ‘This didn’t happen to Tom, I think Mummy will be mad at me’.

Another memory that gives me a warm fuzzy nostalgic recollection is when I first discovered Boglins. Boglins, Boglins, Boglins. I instantly fell in love with their fleshy, ugly, bubbly faces and easily identifiable, shallow personalities. Needless to say they had a huge effect on me during my adolescence and the adult I subsequently have turned into. Through the medium of Boglins I have made friends (and lost some), bribed classmates, laid traps, made and lost lunch money, laughed, cried and dreamed. As a child I enveloped myself in my own imagination, exploring endless worlds, stories, characters and possibilities for innumerable hours with Boglins at the forefront of each and every storyline.

Imagine my horror, as an adult when I discover that Boglins are now a thing of not just my past, but the past. I went onto your website to see where they could be hiding and what had replaced them; through what escape a new generation of children would be exploring the back of their own minds.

Mattel. When was your water supply replaced with liquid LSD and who do I speak to in order to get it changed back? What on Earth is ‘Monster High’ and ‘Ever After High’? ‘Little Mommy’? THESE ARE NOT TOYS! These are not escape. This is children pretending to be adults, pretending to be at school, pretending to be parents. The only good thing about children is that they are not adults. Adults are irritating, time-consuming and for the most part intensely boring. Don’t train them how to be adults too early, don’t let them play mummy and daddy. Give them a poxy Boglin and watch them go mental for a little while. It’s brilliant.

Now I understand that perhaps you changed your product portfolio, because you thought that you’d done everything you can with Boglins and there was nothing you could do to perpetuate increasing sales and market share. I am here to tell you otherwise.

Please find attached a photograph of my ex-girlfriend. I think that if you were to release a new series of Boglins, modelled upon her visage it would prove to be a huge success with a new generation of potential dreamers. The thing that made Boglins great was the difference the offered to every other toy out there. They weren’t perfect, they weren’t normal and they certainly weren’t attractive. These are all qualities that my troll of an ex-girlfriend possesses and I think that you would be foolish to miss out on a business opportunity such as this. It’s fool-proof, it’s fantastic and unlike my munter ex-girlfriend; it’s perfect and I want it in my life.

Now you can have this idea; you can use this photo to remake a whole new range of Boglins and I won’t charge you a single penny. This idea is yours to have, keep, hold and use. Watch the money roll in and thank your lucky stars that I am around to share it with you.

All I want is some mutual help. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. One of the unfortunate side-effects of having such a vivid and wonderful imagination is that I find it rather difficult to focus on anything mundane or productive for very long. This has made my adult life rather difficult and my current job fairly troubling and in all probability; doomed to failure. I work for an IT company that look after stuff like your phones and printers, data and mobiles… all that sort of sensible adult-world stuff. Can you buy some of it from me? That way I get to keep my job for a bit longer and will have some more time to day-dream.

My direct dial is below; I am a product of your inventive genius in need of assistance surviving in this mundane adult world. Maybe just a little printer? How about a Phone?

Kind Regards,

Robert