FAO Your Soupavisor

To: The Covent Garden Soup Company

Dear Food Creators,

Wassoup? (ref: Budweiser ad, circa ’99 -’03). I have something that I wish to discuss with you about your soup and the effect it has had on my largely uneventful and souperfluous life.

Up until about 2 years ago, I was the sort of person who could consume whatever they wanted, without any discernible effect on their waistline. This personal trait has shaped my lifestyle in two major ways:

1. My clothes stayed the same for the best part of a decade (So long in fact, that they fell out and came back into fashion again twice over).
2. I became very used to being able to eat whatever the hell I damn well bloody well wanted thankyouverymuch so there.

The failure to keep up to date with current fashion trends has made me something of an oddball when it comes to attire; however this is something that I will have to deal with on my own. I will stick to my guns for a little while longer though, as I am convinced that bell bottom cord flares will come back into fashion any time now.

The second problem however has resulted in a problem that your soupreme product has helped to soupress. Eating whatever you damn well bloody want is a fine way to live, right up until the point where you get terribly fat. As my cheekbones seemed to disappear into the swelling pink of my face, I didn’t mind.. too much. As the difficulty in removing and replacing the ring on my finger become more and more of a logistical challenge, eventually requiring lubricant and the levels of exertion usually reserved for crowd pleasing charity tug of war matches and push-starting a car up a mountain, I didn’t mind… kind of. The tipping point came some months ago when travelling to work in my usual attire, the material of my trousers relented to the laws of physics, exposing my swollen thighs and gargantuous bum to an unsuspecting bus full of school children and grannies. It was a humiliating experience and I consider myself lucky that my name didn’t end up on the East Finchley sex offenders register.

I made the decision then and there to stop being fat. At first I tried to do plenty of exercise and start running in order to attain the sleek lines that old photos seemed to mock me with. There is definitely a skull somewhere under all of this pulpy pink mess and I intend to find it. As it turns out exercise is rather hard work, often involving increased levels of excursion and effort, so I decided to give up and find another way to lose the human-skin ring doughnut that has taken up residence around my waist. After much research and a lot of soul searching, I decided it was probably a good idea to trying eating less stuff. Being a man and therefore a virtual stranger to balance and moderation, I decided to eat nothing but Soup. After trying various soup soupliers, I decided to settle on your delicious concoction.

Now whilst your product itself is for the most part souperb; souperior even to other Soup souppliers, I have a small problem to discuss with you, followed by a suggestion. If you could pass this on to any soupavisor, who could soupport me, that would be souper.

Now I cannot in good conscience and loyalty to my diet purchase anything but soup for lunch and soup for dinner. This doesn’t mean that my soul doesn’t scream out for something solid every now and then, but to date I have persisted in my chosen method of starvation. This is a problem that I have been wrestling with for some time, but I think I have come up with the perfect solution.

You know how in Charlie and the Chocolate factory, they made loads of chocolate bars and hid a special Golden ticket in a few bars for the lucky, lucky people of the world? Well I was thinking that perhaps you could do the same thing with your Soup, except that instead of a Golden ticket you could put a Chicken Wing in there.

Even if I never ever won the Chicken Wing, the idea of potentially winning the chicken wing would effectively put a stop to the agonising moment when I am in a shop with a basket full of soup and I walk past the bit where the chicken wings are (How do they make them smell so damn good!?). I wouldn’t need to worry, because I might already have one in my basket!

Now I realise that this idea is as brilliant as it is ground-breaking, but as a decent human-being I would like to give this to you for free. You can have it; it’s yours. There is zero charge, nil fee, no invoice and not a single monetary exchange required for you to take ownership of this inevitably successful campaign.

I do however have a small thing to ask… In addition to being fat, I am also poor. Now I am working on the fat bit (thanks for your help by the way), and I was wondering if you could also help me with the poverty bit? Now I don’t expect charity or a ‘free ride’ as such, but I would love to be able to work for the money. Could you buy something from me? As I work for an IT organisation, it would be extremely helpful if this were to be somewhat IT related. I can help with exciting things like printers and phone systems, how about it? I have never been a souperstitious person, but I have a good feeling about this. I want you to be in my life as well as in my belly.

I await your response with the eagerness of a starving squirrel in a Nutella factory.

Endless Regards,

SouperMan (Robert)